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[Jokes and a really good story]

[ジョークと本当にいい話]

(ジョークを読む方はもっと下に行ってください)




これは心に染みる、とてもいい話です 

長いので日本語訳を試みました 

This is a really good story......

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in
our neighborhood.  I remember well the polished old case fastened to
the wall with the shiny receiver hanging on the side of the box.  I
was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with
fascination when my mother used to talk to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
amazing person ... her name was "Information Please" and there was
nothing she did not know.  "Information Please" could supply anybody's
number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle came one
day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.  Amusing myself at the
tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer.  The
pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying
because there was no one home to give sympathy.  I walked around the
house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
.........  The telephone!!!

Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the
landing.  Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held
it to my ear.  "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just
above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear ...
"Information".

"I hurt my finger ..."  I wailed into the phone.  The tears came
readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me." I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?"
"No," I replied.  "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked.  I said I could.
"Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said
the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.  I asked her
for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was.  She
helped me with my math.  She told me my pet chipmunk, that I had caught in the
park just the day before, would eat fruits and nuts.  Then, there was the
time Petey, our pet canary died.  I called  "Information Please" and told her

the sad story.  She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to
soothe a child.  But I was Un-consoled.  I asked her, "Why is it that birds
should sing so  beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap
of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern,
for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone.  "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.  When I
was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston.  I missed my friend
very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I
somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table
in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations
never really left me.  Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I could
recall the serene sense of security I had then.  I appreciated now how patient,
understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in
Seattle. 
I had about half an hour or so between planes.  I spent 15 minutes or so
on the phone with my sister, who lived there now.  Then without thinking what I
was doing,
I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please".
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information".  I hadn't
planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause.  Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess
your finger must have healed by now."  I laughed.  "So it's really still
you,"
I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during
that time."
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me.  I
never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."  I told her
how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her
again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do, she said.  "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle  A different voice answered
"Information".  I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend." I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said, "Sally had been working
parttime the last few years because she was sick.  She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute.  Did you say your
name was Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you.  She wrote it down in case you
called.
Let me read it to you."  The note said, "Tell him I still say there are
other worlds to sing in.  He'll know what I mean".
I thanked her and hung up.  I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

これは本当にいい話です...

僕がほんの子供だったときに、父さんは近所では珍しかった電話機を持っていた。
磨き込んだ古い箱が壁にとめてあり、ピカピカの受話器がその横にぶら下がっていた。
僕はとても小さかったので電話機には手が届かなかった。でも母さんが
電話してるときに、わくわくして聞いていたものだ。

それから僕はこのすばらしい機械のどこかにすごい人が隠れているのに気付いた。
彼女の名前は、「インフォメーション・プリーズ」だった。何しろ知らないことは
何一つないんだから。「インフォメーション・プリーズ」は誰の電話番号でも見つけるし、
正確な時刻も教えてくれるのだ。

この「魔法のランプの精」との僕の個人的な経験は、母さんが近所に行っている、
とある日に起こった。地下室の作業台で遊んでいたときに、ハンマーで指を打って
しまったのだ。めちゃくちゃ痛かったけど、泣いてもしょうがない感じだった。
だって慰めてくれる人がだれも家にはいなかったから。それで、ずきずきする指を
吸いながら、家の中を歩き回った。そして階段のところにたどり着いた。電話だ!

すぐに居間にあった足乗せ台に走って、それを引きずってきた。その上に登り、
受話器を外して耳に付けた。「インフォメーションプリーズ」と頭の少し上にある送話器に
向かって言った。

一度か二度、カチッという音がして、小さくクリアな声が耳に入った。
「インフォメーションです」

僕は泣き叫んだ。
「指を怪我したの」涙があふれそうになった。
だって聞いてくれる人がいたんだもの。
「お母さんはお家にいないの?」
「僕しかいないの」と、わあわあ泣いた。
「血が出ている?」
「出てない。ハンマーで指を打ったの。とっても痛いよ」
「冷蔵庫を開けられる?」
「できるよ」
「じゃあ、氷を小さく割って指に当てるのよ」

これ以降、僕は何でも「インフォメーションプリーズ」に聞いた。地理の問題を尋ねたら、
フィリピンの場所を彼女は教えてくれた。数学を教えてくれた。昨日公園で捕まえて
僕のペットになったシマリスの餌が果物とナッツだということも教えてくれた。
それから、カナリヤのペティーが死んだ。それで、僕はまた「インフォメーション・プリーズ」
を呼び、悲しい話を告げた。彼女は子供をなだめるときに大人がよく言う決まり文句を
言った。でもそれでは僕は慰められなかった。彼女に尋ねた。「どうして鳥はあんなにきれいな
声で鳴いて家族中を楽しませたのに、最後はかごの底で羽の固まりみたいに
なっちゃうの?」
彼女は僕の深い悲しみを感じたに違いない。静かに話しかけてきた。
「ポール。あの世に行っても歌うことができるのよ」
何でだか、僕は少し安心した。

別の日に電話をかけた。「インフォメーション・プリーズ」
いつもの声が聞こえた。
「フィックスのスペルを教えて?」

全ては、太平洋側の北西部の小さな町で起こったことだ。僕が9歳になったとき、遠い
ボストンへと移った。僕の大切な友達と会えなくなった。「インフォメーション・プリ
ーズ」は昔の家の古い木の箱の電話器につながっていたものだ。このホールのテーブル
の上に置いてある、細身で光っている電話機で試そうなどとは全然思わなかった。

十代に入っても、子供の時のあの会話のことを決して忘れなかった。疑念や困惑が起き
たときには、よくあのころの穏やかな気持ちを思い出すことで安心した。今になって
みると、小さな子に対して、我慢強く、思慮があり、親切だった彼女に感謝している。

数年が立ち、西海岸のカレッジへ行く途中、飛行機はシアトルに降りた。30分ほど次の飛行機
まで時間があったので、ここに住んでいる姉と電話で15分ほど話した。それから殆ど
無意識に、僕のホームタウンの交換手に電話した。「インフォメーション・プリーズ」
奇跡のように、僕のよく知っている小さくクリアな声が聞こえた。
「インフォメーションです」
僕は何も意識的にしたことではないのだが、「あのー、フィックスのスペルを教えてください」
と言っていた。
長い沈黙があった。
そして、柔らかい声で「指はもう治ったでしょう?」
僕は笑った。「まだあなたがやっているんですね。」
「あの頃、あなたが僕にとってどんなに大切な人だったか分かりますか?」と言うと、
彼女は、「あの少年がかけてくる電話が、私にとってどんなに大切なものだったか、
分かるかしら。私には子供はいなかった。電話がかかってくるのを心待ちにしていた
ものよ。」と答えた。僕は、何年も彼女のことを思い出していたことを告げ、姉を訪問する
ときにまた電話をかけてもよいかと聞いた。
「そうしてちょうだい。サリーと言えば分かるわ。」

3ヶ月して、シアトルに僕は戻った。違う声が「インフォメーションです」と言った。
サリーを呼んだ。
「お友達ですか」とその女性。
「そうです。とても古くからの。」
「とても言いにくいのですが、サリーはここ数年、体をこわして、パートタイムで働いていたの。それで、ひと月ほど前に亡くなったのです。」

僕が電話を切ろうとしたとき、「ちょっと待ってね。あなたの名前はポールですよね?」
「はい。」
「サリーがあなたに伝言を残しています。もしものときのためにと、書いたものがあるの。
今読みますね。」
伝言には、「私が今も信じていることはあの世に行っても歌うことができるということ。
こういえば分かるわよね。」
僕は礼を言って、電話を切った。サリーの言った意味はよく分かっている。

一人の人間は思いもかけぬほどの影響を周りの人々に与えることが出来るものなのです。


***ここから下がジョークです***

5 Jokes

A paraprosdokian is ...
古代ギリシャ語起源の言葉。前半部分を後半部分で意外なひねりをつけるタイプの文。

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
君に同意したってことは、僕ら両方とも間違っているかも。

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
人間は実際には成長するのではなく、皆の前でしてはいけないことを学ぶだけなのだ。

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
知識ではトマトは果物であるという。しかし知恵があればトマトをフルーツサラダに入れない。

Evening news begins with 'Good evening'; then proceeds to tell you why it isn't.
イブニング・ニュースはグッド・イブニングと言って始まるのに、イブニングがバッドだという話ばかりをするのだ。

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
イルカは頭のよい動物で、捕まって数週間の内に、人間を訓練してプールの縁に立たせて、魚を投げ込むようにする。

Whenever I fill out an application, where it says "In an emergency, notify:" I write: "Doctor".
申請書を書くときは、いつも緊急時の連絡先には「医者」と書いている。

One careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes an entire box of matches to start a campfire.
たったマッチ一本でも、不注意で山火事を起こすことがある。なのに、キャンプファイヤーの火はマッチ一箱あっても点かないことがある。



映画館の席を3つも占有して寝転がっている男に、劇場支配人がちゃんと座れと言うのだが..。
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the
movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but
you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call
the manager."
The man moaned again but stayed where he was.The usher left and
returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the
fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's
your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."



カップルが交通事故にあって、天国の門にたどり着いた。そこで、結婚式をここで挙げたいという希望を、
門番の聖ペテロが何とかしてあげたいと奮闘するのだが…。
On their way to see a Justice of the Peace to get married, a
couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside the
Gates of Heaven waiting for St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can
enter.
While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in
Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has ever asked.
Let me go find out," he says, and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if
they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal
aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck
together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"It took me three months to find a priest up here!" St. Peter
exclaims.
"Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to
find a lawyer?"



アーミッシュ(昔のままの生活をしている村の人)の男とその息子が、ショッピング・センターに行って見たものは……。
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, " What is this, Father? " The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded " Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is. "
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady
in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles
of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened
up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, " Go get your mother. "



Jesus and St. Peter

天国の門に、皺だらけのお爺さんがやって来て亡くなった息子のことを言うのだが…。
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background,
their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into
Heaven." 
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a
living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more.
"You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"



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